This satirical post was inspired by Florida’s State Board of Education adoption of race based proficiency rates in order to comply with the NCLB waiver.  Apparently it is now OK to leave behind 40% of African Americans but only 8% of Asians can be left behind.

The NCLB Waiver State 2020

Scene I: (Sometime in the not so distant future. Principal Data-Warp’s office.)

(Assistant Principal Data-Drone enters Principal Data-Warp’s office):

“Principal Data-Warp, the state has just released its race based proficiency annual yearly progress expectations for the next five years. They say that by 2025 Asian students must be 110% proficient in reading and 120% proficient in math.  Is that mathematically possible?”

Principal Data-Warp: “It doesn’t matter if it’s mathematically possible or not. We’ll make it happen.  No excuses. Our students must continue to show annual yearly progress even if they are 100% proficient already. We must continue to prove that our students are showing progress or our federal funds will be cut. What did the state say about proficiency rates for African American students?”

Assistant Principal Data-Drone: “The state says that African American students must be 61% proficient in reading and 41% proficient in math by 2025. “

Principal Data-Warp: “That’s only a .20% increase over five years.”

Assistant Principal Data-Drone: “I know, but the state lowered their expectations after the African American subgroup failed to meet the 60% proficiency standards for 2018.”

Principal Data-Warp: “OK, it shouldn’t be too hard to meet those requirements. How many African Americans are enrolled in this school?”

Assistant Principal Data-Drone: “About 50.”

Principal Data-Warp: “Go back and check the district’s genetic database to see if any more of them qualify as African American under the state’s newly released race based standards for determining race.”

Scene II:  (one week later a fourteen year old student named Winston McTester III with curly blonde hair, blue eyes and freckles enters Principal Data-Warp’s office).

Winston McTester III: “I recently checked my student portal and I noticed under my student demographic information my race changed from White to African American. This must be a mistake. I’ve been White all of my life.”

Principal Data-Warp:  “The school just ran a DNA scan of all its students and you came up as being 1/30th African American. “

Winston McTester III: “How does the school have my DNA?”

Principal Data-Warp: “You were too young to remember. We took it when you were four years old when we implanted the data chip/stimulus monitor scanner in your brain.”

Winston McTester III: “The school system implanted a data chip in my brain?”

Principal Data-Warp: “I know it sounds extreme, but how else would schools be able to measure the effectiveness of your teachers? The data chip not only records every test score of every test you’ve ever taken but the stimulus monitor device measures every time your teacher stimulated you in class.”

Winston McTester III: “I thought teachers went to jail for stimulating their students?”

Principal Data-Warp: “Not that kind of stimulation. Get your mind out of the gutter. The chip gives us an electronic image of your brain. When the frontal lobe turns red, it means your teacher has engaged you in the learning process. This data, combined with your test scores, let’s us rank and rate your teachers as either “effective” or “unsatisfactory.”

Winston McTester III: “What happens to the teachers who are rated “unsatisfactory”?

Principal Data-Warp: “They are immediately fired. The state strips them of their teaching license and the only teaching positions they can get are in China, North Korea or Iran. This serves as part of our National Defense Program as well. If we send our ineffective teachers to our enemy nations, they will obviously destroy future generations chances of success and lower their nation’s GDP. Their nations will never be able to develop or maintain nuclear weapons because their PISA scores in math and science will finally rank below the United States.”

Winston McTester III: “Oh. But I still don’t understand how it is possible that I am 1/30th African American? My sixth grade history teacher assigned a project where I had to trace my family genealogy back 8 generations. Turns out my ancestors were the original settlers in Jamestown.”

Principal Data-Warp: “Well then that makes perfect sense! Somewhere along the way one of your forefathers slept with one of the slaves working on his tobacco plantation. You’re only in the ninth grade. You haven’t been taught history standard USHS 1234RG yet. In 11th grade American history you will learn how our nation’s demographics were altered by the licentious behavior of white male slave owners. ”

Winston McTester III: “Oh. But what about the other 97% of me that is white?”

Principal Data-Warp: “We don’t care about that 97%. The law states that if a student is up to 1/40th African American, they can be labeled African American for the school’s demographic purposes. Sorry kid, but we need your high test scores to boost our African American proficiency rates.”

Winston McTester III: “That ‘s worse than the Old Jim Crow Laws in the South! The standard for being labeled black was 1/8th.”

Principal Data-Warp: “One day son you will learn that the concept of race is just as malleable as data. If the state needs more African American students to be proficient in reading and math, then the state will adjust the genetic criteria for being labeled African American accordingly.  Just as the state raises or lowers the standard for being rated proficient on reading and math state exams every year. Welcome to our Brave New School.”