Wake up America! There is an epidemic sweeping across our youth. It’s not marijuana, Molly or their parents’ pharmaceutical drugs. Our children are addicted to Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

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Exhibit A

This is what my garbage can looks like after first period. That’s right America, our children have consumed ounces of red food coloring No.40, MSG and citric acid before 9 am. Perhaps Frito-lay should start a new add campaign, “Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, it’s what’s for breakfast.”  Or maybe, “Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, the breakfast of Champions.” Below is a transcript of an actual conversation I had with a student at 8 am.

Student: Miss, you got any money?

Teacher: No. Why do you need money?

Student: I’m hungry Miss. I didn’t eat any breakfast.

Teacher: Why didn’t you eat any breakfast? The school serves free breakfast.

Student: I don’t eat that sh*t. It’s garbage.  (The student then asks to go to the bathroom and upon her return opens a bag of Flamin’ hot Cheetos).

Our schools are the breeding grounds for this epidemic. Once one student opens a cellophane bag of spicy red goodness, the other students will immediately pounce upon them like a pack of wolves  or they will all suddenly have to go to the bathroom. By the end of the period my classroom floor resembles the parking lot of a gas station. Empty Cheetos bags strewn on the floor like a crack addicts den.

Make know mistake America, flaming’ hot food products are addictive and they have been shown to cause hyperactivity in children http://www.npr.org/2011/03/30/134962888/fda-probes-link-between-food-dyes-kids-behavior The breakfast of most American teenagers consists of a Monster Energy drink and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.  Is it any wonder they can’t sit still and focus on school? To make matters worse, our schools function as the drug pusher with snack machines pushing these products around every corner. Of course these days they have to push the “Oven Baked” “healthy” version of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, but they are still readily available in our hallways.  Exactly how much money do our schools make off of these snack machines? Is it worth it?

Apparently there is some regulation of snack products sold in schools. But there is always some way around those regulations. For example, big fat 500 calorie Ottis Spunkmeier muffins are sold by coaches between classes. They get around their excessive calories by the packaging label dividing the muffin up into three servings. Who the heck eats one third of a muffin? My favorite instance of public school bureaucrat snack nonsense was back in the day they sold pastelitos instead of muffins. For those not familiar with the Cuban delicacy, it is sticky gooey hot Miami mess of a pastry. The school district banned the guava filled pastelitos and the cheese filled pastelitos because they had too many calories, but continued to sell the guava and cheese pastelitos (not sure how the combination of the two reduced the calorie count but I didn’t care since those are the best kind anyway).  Instead of trying to regulate snacks (now our vending machines are stacked with fat free chips that are made with God knows what and only make the students hungrier) maybe we should just not sell snacks at all? Is our nation really so broke that our schools need to push products on students that we know are unhealthy just so they can get a few extra thousand a year? They are making this money off of the same students who qualify for free and reduced lunch but are choosing to buy vending machine garbage instead of eating the federally funded free breakfast and lunch. Just say no to Cheetos!

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