The latest scandal to hit the 305 involves Mr. 305 himself. In an effort to boost tourism, the state of Florida paid Pitbull one million dollars to produce a video promoting Florida beaches http://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/state-politics/article120789508.html. If there is anything Pitbull has done a better job promoting over the course of his career other than himself and his extremely mediocre musical talents, it would be Florida’s beaches. Did we really need to pay Pitbull one million tax payer dollars to make a video of himself rapping on a Florida beach with scantily clad women in the background? I’m no Pitbull expert, but I do believe that every music video Pitbull has ever made already serves as an enticement to come to Florida.  I did an extensive five minutes of research on youtube to see if I could find a Pitbull video that did not feature sexy beaches, beautiful women, palm trees, azure waters and the Miami skyline. If one were to compare Pitbull’s one million dollar Florida taxpayer funded “Sexy Beaches” video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOUQ3kfxEaQ to Pitbull’s  privately funded “Fun” video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKbR7u8J5PU the only difference would be better hair and make up, lighting, and choreography. Otherwise, the Mr.305 formula for success remains the same: pastel suit, palm trees, beach, voluptuous chongas gyrating in tacky one pieces wedged halfway up their buxom behinds waiting to have their turn at a Pitbull pelvic thrust = million dollar hit that is guaranteed to be played in every Zumba class across the world.

Speaking of formulas, how much tax payer money was wasted on the state of Florida value added model for teachers? If you think $1 million for a redundant and ridiculously cheesy Pitbull Florida “Sexy Beaches” video was bad, the Florida VAM cost tax payers $4 million https://facts.fldfs.com/Search/ContractDetail.aspx?AgencyId=480000&ContractId=11812 in addition to a yearly $1.5 million in maintenance fees https://facts.fldfs.com/Search/ContractDetail.aspx?AgencyId=480000&ContractId=16659&Tab=1. At least people can get their groove on while looking at the Pitbull video. The only thing I get from looking at the Florida VAM formula is a migraine headache.


(Florida’s $4 million dollar VAM formula with an additional $1.5 million tax payer dollars wasted in annual “maintenance fees”)

If we are going to complain about the Legislature wasting tax payer funds, then one would also have to include two consecutive years of wasting almost $50 million on the ill-conceived and patently offensive “Best and Brightest” scholarship http://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/state-politics/article64674362.html. $100 million down the tubes in two years and it only managed to line a few teachers’ pockets but will do nothing to solve the teacher shortage and perpetually low teacher pay. Let’s just say a bright young teacher comes to Florida to teach so they can cash in on their high SAT scores. What happens the following year when they actually need a highly effective evaluation to get the bonus again? Getting a highly effective evaluation in some schools is liking catching a chupacabra. Not only are you dependent on the benevolence of your administrators for a high score, you then have to wait months to find out what the VAM gods will deem you that year in learner progress. What is it going to do for teacher retention when the young bright teacher with high SAT scores realizes that it is going to take them another 20 years to reach the pay they received in their first year of teaching?

Apparently, Florida is starting to realize they have a problem with a looming teacher shortage that a bonkers bonus program is not going to solve.  A few weeks ago the Florida Department of Education sought educator input in a survey about teacher recruitment and retention. I gave them my thoughts including raising the minimum pay to $50,000, bringing back tenure, honoring the class size amendment and taking a sledge hammer to VAM. Considering Tallahassee’s tendency to siphon off tax payer funds for private enterprise that benefits no one, I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up paying Pitbull another $1 million for a video recruiting educators to come and teach in Florida. Heck, with a little careful editing they could slice and dice Pitbull’s “Sexy Beaches” into a video to recruit young people to come teach in Florida.

Picture this, the opening scene shows a young male teacher in Chicago bundled up from head to toe trudging through slushy snow on his way into school.

Insert clip from  the “Sexy Beaches” video with six tan beauties shaking their booties in the air as Pitbull brags about the fact that in Florida we have beaches AND “hotels.”

The young teacher’s eyes glare up with envy. Damn, he thinks, teaching in Florida does look good. He holds up his $80,000 a year paycheck and tenure and rips it into shreds.

The next scene shows the teacher entering his classroom wearing Bermuda shorts and flip flops with a big smile on his face. When he settles into work a huge palmetto bug crawls across his desk. Beads of sweat start to drip down his face as he struggles to fix the AC in his room. The camera scans across his classroom filled with 42 ESOL level 1 students playing soccer and dancing the macarena in the back of the room. One child is playing with the large rat they’ve adopted as the class pet.

Quick, cut to scene of Pitbull on a yacht surrounded by sexy Latinas pouring champagne down his throat. The camera zooms in and looms over a large behind in a yellow thong. The chorus chants, “Come to Florida, see sexy beaches, hotels.”

The young teacher has just received his first summative evaluation. His VAM, which was calculated using the school wide reading score even though he teaches math, has knocked him down to “Needs Improvement”. He has just seen his pay drop from $50,000 to $40,000 because he no longer qualifies for the Best and Brightest scholarship. His administrator warns him that if he receives another “Needs Improvement” evaluation, he will be fired and the state can take away his teaching certification. His principal tells him not to worry. If he loses his job with the public school district, he can work at Pitbull’s Slam charter school across the bay. His union steward then informs him that he won’t qualify for the measly 1% raise because he didn’t have an effective evaluation. The young teacher heads to the nearest bar to drown his sorrows. He made the mistake of going out in South Beach and receives a $100 bill for two beers and a Pina Colada.

Pitbull gyrates his way across the screen. Making sure to brush his privates against the six back sides which have all assumed the face down button up position inherent in any Pitbull video. The chorus continues to chant, “I want to see….. sexy beaches, hotels.”

Next, the young teacher heads back to his $1500 studio apartment. He has just received a notice from his landlord that his rent will be raised to $1800. He scans the classifieds for a part-time job to supplement his meager teacher pay so he can continue to keep a roof above his head and spend his weekends on sexy beaches. Only now, he will be spending his weekends serving drinks poolside at the Fountainebleau Hotel instead of laying on the sexy beach.

In the grand finale of the music video, the teacher is seen wearing all white and carrying a tray of fruity drinks to Pitbull’s harem lounging around the pool. In the midst of thrusting some new chonga in a flourescent pink one piece with booty escaping on all sides, Pitbull bumps into the teacher waiter and he spills the drinks all over Pitbull’s harem. Two of Pitbull’s gorilla like bouncers drag the teacher waiter off the screen. Pitbull licks the strawberry slushie margarita off of the chonga in pink’s bosom.

The chorus continues to chant, “I want to see…sexy beaches, hotels.”