Test buster

I had heard of testing pep rallies but I never expected my own child to be attending one, let alone performing in one. I received an email from my child’s teacher about helping my child practice for their big performance in the school’s FSA pep rally. This is in addition to the 5 page nightly “real” homework packets, an additional 5 page nightly “fake” homework test prep packet, and the expectation that my child spend another 30 minutes on I-ready math and reading practice every night. My child is in the ever important and no fun at all third grade. The email was quickly deleted and forgotten by me until afterwork my child pulled me into the family room to perform a song that I would surely love. What followed next was bizarrely cute and horrifying at the same time. Sort of like when my 7 year old son ran into my room the other day and exclaimed, “Mommy, look how big my weaner gets!”

My child continued to enthusiastically perform the following Test Prep Song.

What Does the Test Say? (To the tune of “What does the Fox Say)

“Bell Goes Ring–Books Removed–Student Goes Think–And Teacher Goes Prove!

Together we can succeed at everything

Use their skills, get better grades

And the parent goes wow, wow, wow!!!

What does the test say????

Read, Read, Read, Read, rrrrrrrRead!…..!!!!

What does the test say?

Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass….pass the test. Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass the test

What does the test say?

Bubble, bubble, bubble, bo……bubble, bubble, bubble, bo…bubble, bubble

What does the test say?

Prove, prove, prove, prove. PPPPP, prove, prove prove

What does the test say????

Slept all night, Woke Refreshed, Breakfast Gone Down the Hatch

Studied hard. Homework done

Now’s the time to Ace this One!

Focus in and Take My Time

Add, subtract and multiply

But if a snack is what I need—-Reachin’ in my desk for

Cheeze-its, Chee-ee-ee-eeze its

Time to pass this test with eeeease, eeeease, eeeeeeeease!!!!!!!

What does the Test say?

Get your number 2 pencils out, your number 2 pencils out, get your number 2 pencils out

What does the test say?

Reading, Science, Math, Essay, Reading, Science, Math Essay

What does the test say?

Dream Believe Achieve, Dream Believe Achieve!!!!!


I tried to hide the horrified look on my face and muster a “That’s great honey,” but on the inside I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. Maybe I wouldn’t have minded it so much if my child had come home earlier in the year and performed a Halloween song or a Thanksgiving play as well, but the only time I have seen my child rehearse for any performance all year was for the big Test Pep Rally. Maybe I’m just biased because as a high school teacher I hate pep rallies. The last thing I need at the end of the day is to be stuck in a smelly gym with 3,000 students yelling, screaming, throwing blown up condom balloons  and having the tuba player blast in my ear. I suppose if my child was having fun singing and dancing I shouldn’t be bothered by it. It was just a harmless song after all. Or was it an indoctrination into what becomes an annual ritual and spring time rite of passage of bubble tests and stress? I longed for the earlier preschool days of innocence and simple pleasures, when the only bubbles my child knew were translucent delights that floated through the air until they burst.